i am a terrible person with terrible thoughts
Whycsnt i just sleep like a normal person
im cold and i miss you
i genuinelt need to die
i hate when you try to hold in your crying and your head starts to hurt
now im miserable AND bitter
sometimes life is unfair
DIEEEEE I Should die
i dont want to do anything i want to stay in bed forever
i hate (myself)
getting very emotional over berdly
Im never going to love myself
I want to jump off
I want to jump off
sometimes youre in so much pain you cant cry quietly anymore
When I pass away you can let go
When I pass away my loved ones will breathe a sigh of relief
When I pass away nothing of note would change in the world
I just genuinely need to die
I worsen the life of every person I know
why the fuck do i have to do everything im so done
nothing helps because nothing fixes the fact that youre not next to me
i miss, i miss, i miss
"everyday and every time i go out, i see the streets that we walked together
to the malls and to places we ate together
its so difficult even to just pass by v.mapa
everytime i go out it's a reminder you arent here
i miss you so much
its so difficult going and being outside without you and knowing thst you aren't in a 100km radius
so if anyone misses who more, i clearly do lol"
why would you look at any of my smiles at disgust
was it really a joke or did i just conveniently gave you an out to claim so. you sounded genuinely disgusted that i smiled
:/ i just got over things now i will wonder until i sleep if you meant it
jokes are told in half truth
why do i keep doing this to myself
im a horrible human being and i dont deserve anything good that happens to me
this song makes me so emotional. it takes me back to when i was walking to paolo's birthday celebration with eli, the sky getting dark, the road feeling like it went on forever, and yet i enjoyed every step
i didn't get well i just didn't have access to this page
THIS IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING
i actually needa die
these are not healthy thoughts
its just gonna be the same thing
everyone is too good for me and i need to die
do i even bother staying up still i already ruined the damn mood
always my fault lol
what if eli worked in japan n i worked in china and we saw each othr in hongkong all the time #awesomesauce
the concept of receiving a cover of a song i really like for my birthday oughhhh delta sleep camp adventure im gonnabe sick
baby kiss me thru the phone :(
sorry to always hide away
puppy
im gonna impregnate him
bruh how does godai even deduce taht
ICHIJO IS ME FORREAL
bruh i love godai
im so miserable
im like a teenage girl
im literally dan howell
its hard missing you
its hard trying to be better
i feel so twisted
Lord I really need your help
i had a dream. you gave me your final statement through a google doc. you wrote there "thank you for everything, thank you for the memories, but i cant stand this anymore."
i didnt wake up crying. i woke up and immediately checked wechat to see if it was real. and it wasn't real. but it almost was. i dont know what to make of this. i dont know if i wanted it to be real. it just feels like everything is finally catching up to me
im a terrible person
then throw me out into the streets and leave me there to rot
when you kill me , get use out of my dead body. use me until you can't bear to stand the stench of my corpse
i especially don't deserve Christ
i don't even deserve Christ
i don't deserve anybody
i don't deserve my friends
i don't deserve you
i don't deserve any of this
i need to die
im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry eli
i am so cruel
kill me
i need you. i need you to kill me. i need you to take a gun and shoot me. look at me in the eyes and shoot me. i need you to shoot me. i need you to kill me
get this selfish feeling out
why do i push everybody away
im so alone and the only person to blame is me
and theres nobody i can really share that to because nobody around me understands
im tired of my breasts more than i ever have. theyve actually definitively grown and it truly gives me so much discomfort. i wish i had a way to get them back to the way they were. i was finally comfortable in my own skin and now it had to change
isolation has really directed my hate inwards
lowkey what if this happens like i finally talk w everyone again n everyone gon be like lol actually i didnt even notice
im so scared of being a burden
nobody in the world knows me better
i might as well just write my reflections here
thoughts of an insane person Btw
i knew i wasnt tripping bro ITS REAL!
its all transactional
is this beneficial
is this self punishment worth it
i guess this is it this is it finally getting to me
i feel insane
im alwayss in my head....
i miss eli
i wonder if he is freakish enough to go through my twitter activity
this guy And its eli
this corny ass description bro i love this guy
nobody knows but IM DONE!!!!
tell me but don't tell me
tell me but don't tell me
tell me but don't tell me
black sheep is one of the greatest songs ever and im not even a spvtw fan like that
im a fake eli fan....
im so grateful there are good people in the world even though i dont think i am one of them right now
living life is so hard
i think he already does
i hate that despite him being always right i've cemented in my mind that he's eventually going to hate me
i hate that eli's always right
i wonder if anyone other than me checks this page
how do i get over this feeling
death
why should i bother living
talking to you hurts no matter what i do
I Think the only way this will last is if i bury my emotions forever
everybody wants to get on my nerves.
:( i judt wanna be told goodnight
its not like i dont try !
if whatever i do is wrong might as well do nothing at all so that my energy isnt wasted
i wish !!!!!! i was just in a different set of circumstances
what a cruel thing to wish someone's existence never happened
everything is WEIRD
resent
i feel less than human
maybe i should slowly starve myself
i really truly think itd be better sometimes if I Died
Even at my low point, I am still doing things to show my love for you. What does that make me? A narcissist? Perhaps
would you sigh of relief seeing me dead
noone cares
im just a dionne..
WHERE THE HELL IS MY STUFF
why do we only talk this way. is this a bad thing to think about
no matter what i do i am a failure
i deserve everything done to me
need it inside
i hope you feel it when i give this picture of you a kiss
i wish i did something else
i wish i didnt say anything
3 months no self harm down the drain
something bad needs to happen to me so it can all make sense
will i ever learn
im gonna be so irritated if what he said is exactly what i think it is
if i had a dick i would need to be castrated
I didn't exist in the dark, until I found you in the dark
There's nothing new to say or do
There's nothing new to crave
Tell the doctors I'm done
The kids, "Adieu"
And Mother, "Désolé"
i'll see you when we're both not so emotional
u always make me worry
stupid
I just hate myself
Well okay that is frustrating.
this is the worst april i have ever had
I actually genuinely need to die. There has to be some sort of punishment for me for what I'm doing. I am so selfish and stupid and ugly and I don't even know the words I can use to describe myself anymore. Pitiful. Pathetic. Alone. So alone. I'm gonna be alone forever. He's the one good thing I've pushed myself to pursue in my life and I can't do it right. All I do is hurt the people around me. I am genuinely better gone.
all i ever do is cry
i wanna die but not really die more like cease to exist
every time i upset you the first thought that pops up is that i deserve to die and im sorry
i dont deserve anything good in this world
i genuinely need to kill myself
so do i just kill myself
WHY DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!
im scared that i'd be a horrible mother
i feel so tired but here i am, cleaning up behind everybody
ive been getting better
the thought of eli wanting a threesome kinda makes me want to vomit
this boy talking about 2 distinct rx7s baby i dont have that much money...
i know you dont want people to worry, but its hard to not worry about you my love
im listening to mitski #relapse
Stop. When you cry, can you just stick to one thing... It always snowballs into more.
Well, yeah, I am going to cry over this. So what? I'm upset that I'm upsetting my favorite person. What's not to cry about there?
Seriously? You're going to cry over this?
THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!
itd feel so nice to die about now
DIEEEE how do i still laugh at these texts
son im crine i put a random playlist on and cradles started playign
boys putting things theyre scared to say in code → sign that they want people to make the effort to know them
i cry
nevermind. not aw. i got to the L part
gab and i's friendship... dawww...
fuck this is so embarrassing everytime someone tries to engage with me on something past surface level i short-circuit
i need you
im so disciplined!
in the end, i always come back to shoegaze.
bleeding heart bitter soul
im just miserable today
do you miss me like i miss you
i always thought i might be bad
now im sure that its true
cause
i think youre so good
and im nothing like you...
if all you knew from me came from this page, all you would walk away with is that my life revolves around a person named eli. which is cruel of me to do to myself. i am more than someone who is with eli. but... i always wish to be in his presence.
i think if you grew up watching youtubers doing simple things like boardgames together you were probably very lonely and it just occurred to me to who that sentence applies to
what am i doingwith my life
im sorry
am i doomed to a life of suffering
what the hell is wrong with meeeee
this actually blows :T
i dont even wanna be a woman fr bro
why? cause im a woman
and noone expects me to play well anyway
im happy he has people to play with but it sucks im not a part of that because of how much i gen suck
im so selfish
it eats me up alive to see you not acknowledge me.
i feel as though ive lost all my passion
this is so strange. i have so much to do and yet i am focusing on such a miniscule thing.
im so needy
music baby makes me so emotional i could probably write an essay on it
death is a heavy topic
the wait was worth it
i miss eli
i wanna be called good
ill be okay
its the drift
if i was a guy id still be good friends with all of them
if i was a guy i wouldve been invited
im such a fucking baby
i actually am so stressed out
im eating palabok now so ill Be Okay
I keep punishing myself.
Am i evil
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
KKMJ always plays in the back of my mind when it comes to things like this. im sorry, eli.
I SHOULD DIE!!! I should die
IM SO PATHETIC
im so exhausting
the concept of a person's birthday just turning into any ordinary day
the dnd button looks so scary
i dont like myself
i dont like this push and pull
actually pisses me off, dont rub in my face that i dont know
like wow, God's timing works in weird ways. i used to briefly, as in VERY briefly, like eli during grade 9 but i put distance since i knew he had liked janine
one of my favorite things to think abt is that eli said "if you had just told me i probably would've been with you"
i've had that last thought typed out for like 2 hours but i didnt post it
steve lacy's bad habits is so beautiful... just reflecting because my life so easily could've gone down this path
One Day he will finally rip off the bandaid and kill me
i dont know whats going to become of me
i hate everything. so i must love everything
its like im picking my scar
i hate secondguessing everything. i try so hard to be more confident but it feels like im just stuck here
is he mean or am i just a crybaby
sometimes eli makes me feel really bad
concept of eli being foxxthenothing and my favorite animal being foxes
mimi would've been a cute nickname for me. from hermi. too bad it's her name
everything reminds me of you
im such a crybaby
eli is right, i just need to be at peace with crying
this was the best time ive had in pe and i still ended the day crying
it sickens to think of the words "my fault".
im sorry to think of you in this way. but it gets on my nerves a bit that you do that everytime you see her. why are you scared of seeing her when you're the one that ghosted her?
everything in my life that i hate is my own fault
im so freaking annoyed
i am a failure
im so scared bringing this up to eli because this is (practically) the first time ive actually been disgusted at something he's said
i really want to cry.
so tired
i want to find my style
man i love joji
death to me death to me forever
death to me death to me forever
I SOUND SO ANNOYING DIE
selfish of me
the very thing wrong with my life is that its mine
i dont deserve anything good ever because i never appreciate it and im just stupid and ugly and im gonna kill myselffffff
im actually such a baby i need to kill myself
elisha is the nicest man in the world. to me
me putting down im good with relationships as if i dont constantly self sabotage
LOL IM ACTUALLY GONNA DIE
im not gonna be sad. i told eli i was gonna be happy for tonight. and i am happy for tonight
i should DIE!!!!
i dont really like my life right now and im going to list down all the reasons why so i dont feel like a crazy person who's just making stuff up to be all sad for the sake of being sad. cause no! i do have reasons for being sad, ok! take me seriously, please...
i miss elisha
all i ever do is cry i Am so pathetic
i cant blame you, i suppose
am i that insufferable to talk to that you only message me when i say im going to bed
id like to die
thinking about raphael makes me very solemn
feeling like a placeholder in everyone's lives right Now
sometimes i mourn bo burnham and lorene scafaria's relationship. sorry
imagine dating for 13 years and you just... split up
i think of this dude too much so i need to DIE!
i feel sick!!!!!
im so freakign scared... hes gonna be gone for so looooonnngggg
i talked to him about it! yeah!!!!
i am not hopeful about this class (or me)
i miss holding him... i miss sleeping next to him
this is a good medium for me i love gushing about eli to the void
porn addiction is genuinely a disease
how can disappointment turn into anything other than hate
i would like to do a lot. and yet i end up doing nothing
i wonder how many times i will type "i miss elisha" to this place
everything's a joke until it isn't
i miss elisha
i dont want to die, its just sometimes i don't want to be here. glad i realized that now
i am really proud of myself for getting through earlier today.
so much for sleeping early
im really scared that all this stuff im losing is a sign that im going to lose him as well.
i also miss my watch.
i miss listening to music all the time. where are my earphones...
i always end up never doing anything
i wish i had more positive things to say.
im so scared
i hate this. but there is nothing i hate more than myself
my right cheek hurts a lot
im not very good at sharing
sola should be very thankful to have cara as their creatives head. i would've ran this as a dictatorship
today is another day
i hate seeing people upset over something i could've chose to not do
i want to get better but i always get so discouraged when i do. its hard finally putting boundaries for myself when ive spent my whole life letting people trample all over me
the cycle is a choice. but it doesnt seem like theres a way for me to make another choice
i dont really like this cycle ive somehow put myself in.
this reminds me of his twitter.
i am so vain. i am enjoying posting all my disgusting thoughts on here and seeing it presented so prettily. it is true that depressed people are self absorbed.
he won't say it, but i know deep down he must resent me time to time. who wouldn't? it is exhausting to be around me. and yet he stays. he must really love me.
we're okay again. but i wonder how much of a toll it takes on him.
i wish i treated God the same way, but sometimes it feels like the only time i get to truly feel God is when im in eli's arms
i miss elisha. even at my worst, i can't help but think how much i want to be in his presence. it is very selfish of me.